Embryonic

I am fascinated by the outpouring of opinions on the Sofia Vergara/Nick Loeb dispute over the embryos that they voluntarily froze together. But I am also dismayed by the (mostly) inappropriate assumptions and judgements being disseminated in mainstream and sensationalist media about the case. To be clear: You don’t wake up one morning and decide to freeze embryos. The process is long and laborious. And uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. And expensive. Maybe not if you’re a world-renowned actress and the heir to a banking dynasty. But for normal people, like I am, the cost is exorbitant. I don’t know what motivated that particular couple to freeze embryos comprised of each of their genetic matter. And I mostly don’t care, except for the impact that the assumptions that people are now making about frozen embryos on the legality, the cost, and the negativity for all of us for whom creating embryos - and losing them - is encumbered by difficult and painful decisions. When my husband proposed to me, his words were “I want you to be the mother of my children.” And it was when he said he was eager to become a Dad, that I went off the pill, starting, what people euphemistically call “trying” to make a baby. When it became apparent that it wasn’t happening easily, we went to a fertility specialist, beginning the long cycle of “cycling”, round after round of in vitro fertilization procedures, which meant, for me, hundreds upon hundreds of self administered injections in upper thigh, belly and butt (which generated acres of black and blue marks over my body, lumpiness in my butt and pain when I walked) and ended up in either miscarriages or lots of failures. The four embryos that we had frozen were the culmination of 3.5 years of back-to-back cycles, multiple exploratory surgeries, expensive escapades with acupuncturists, dubious dips into alternative medical practices, prayer circles, on-line support groups, blessings from rabbinic charlatans, and lots of trips to the porn...uh...donation room for my husband, all in the effort to make a baby. To say that it was clear what the intent of the parties after all of this is something of an understatement. When the marriage ended and it came time to decide what to do about the embryos, however, I discovered that the consent form that we had signed over and over for each cycle was woefully inadequate. Although I would have had the right to use the embryos to get pregnant if he had died during the marriage, there was no direction for disposition in the event of a divorce. And we were at an impasse. Much of the discussion I’ve seen on the celebrity case is about forcing someone to become a parent who doesn’t want to be. Feminists are “outraged” by the so-called reproductive coercion. What coercion? Embryos don’t spontaneously appear in a cryopreserved state by accident. Or from a night of too much drinking. I consider myself a proud feminist, but where was the outrage for me, who had put my body through untold torture? I still have pain in my butt where I injected 1.5 inch needles for progesterone shots for weeks at a time, a roll of scar tissue across my belly where I injected over 600 needles over double digit cycles and I have a visceral reaction to the sight of a sonogram probe - not a good one. Did I do this without my then-husband’s consent? Of course not. We were, purportedly, in this together, and signed multiple pages of consent forms confirming our desire to become parents. We each wanted to be parents. When we divorced, it wasn’t me who had changed my mind about parenthood, it was him. It is public policy in New York not to force someone to become a parent who doesn’t want to be ("oops" pregnancies aside). Much of the country agrees that parental child support obligations shouldn’t be imposed on someone who doesn’t want to be a parent. I get it. But has the law kept up with medical practice and technology? Is it fair that my desires - and the abuse to my body - didn’t entitle me to use my embryos on the small chance that it would have worked that time? No one will really know the truth about the Vergara-Loeb case, nor should it be used to direct policy on embryo freezing cases. But to assume (absent proof) that there is any coercion in a process that takes two people to engage in, which is far more intrusive and burdensome for the woman, is simply absurd. No woman should contribute to the creation of embryos capriciously, and no man should be encouraged to change his mind on a whim knowing that the current state of the law will shield him. Embryos, representing the potential for life - which at least at one point was badly desired by the two people who created them - are not conjured up by magic spell. Rather, through long, thoughtful analysis, commitment, sacrifice and investment. As such, the frivilous or retaliatory act by one party changing their mind should not dictate the disposition of the embryos. And this whole silly “how dare we force someone to be a parent” nonsense has to stop. We do it all of the time by not forcing women to get abortions after a drunken night. Certainly, we should not be worried when so much thought and effort went in to creating the embryos at the outset.